Your five-point plan to being a Zone 2er

The Chelsea tractor, your choice of vehicle.

The Chelsea tractor, your choice of vehicle.

If the sun rises in Dalston and sets in Chelsea then this is the plan for you.

1. Slather your floors in love. That’s real wood. Not engineered – isn’t that what you’ve heard others say? Ancient too, with a real patina of age. You’re impressed by that draught, which provides natural air conditioning. You tell friends it allows the house to breathe.

2. Become an unracist. You love everyone. Every single little being on this planet. Even the kids on the estate. You love them the most.

3. Riding a bike is for mugs. And you take the bus only out of desperation. And the tube even more so. You walk. Walking is wonderful. In the office first thing after flinging open the windows, you’re never heard saying ‘Gosh it’s boiling outside!’

4. You care for the little children. They are our future. Let them free… How did that Whitney Houston song go?

5. Waitrose is a corner store. The food is amazing. Tesco is its poorer cousin but it’s great for the essentials. And cheaper too. You shop at both. In one evening.

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