Australia Day Message: I’m Australian and I’m here to steal your job

Somehow, the kangaroo managed to lace up his boxing gloves with his teeth.

Somehow, the kangaroo managed to lace up his boxing gloves with his teeth.

And not only have I stolen your job, I have pillaged your village and fraternised with your folk. Hundreds and thousands of similar Australians have done the same, like a horde of insects leaving a wake of destruction, our sole purpose to steal as much as we can when we can. And yet, no one has batted and eyelid, a silent menace infecting your society without criticism.

Armed with that slimmest of connections to your shores – a parent or grandparent – we have easily garnered the necessary papers to slip past your officials at major air termini. Some of us have even mimicked your highly sophisticated clipped tones having gone on to astronomical success packaged as pint-sized pop stars. Thank goodness. As ambassadors for my country, their clever delusion is to make everything look happy and good. How cruel would it be if their true tones sang out.

However, my rebellious – even disloyal – nature implores you to look deeper. That teaching job – yes, it could have been yours. We can’t even pronounce vowels for goodness sake! And, why, that pretty girl you always fancied? She could’ve been yours, too, except for the common bravado of that rough and ready fiend who stole her away from you. That cad! That Aussie!

OK. I’ll give us some due. We have suffered in our homeland. Some of us haven’t even felt the pleasant sensation of rain falling upon our sun-wizened faces. We have fled our country in the hope of something better. We don’t look behind. We never look back. But we are an aggressive menace. We have a mission. We’re here to take jobs and earn money that is rightfully yours. Because we can never go back to those dry old days of endless sun-cracked soil, and scavenging kangaroos hopping down our main streets in search of food and water. I will never forgive my fellow comrades who exploit your government hand-outs, sometimes turning their backs on work for your charity even though they have travelled many, many miles to get here, even though they could’ve lived off that same dole back home. Like the government health care they could’ve received before they emigrated, they still look to have operations in your hospitals. Those hip replacements you hear so much about, they’re Australians clogging up your system. I’m telling you this now so you know and can action it. Thank goodness you can jet off to your second home on Bulgaria’s Black Sea coast and get away from this oncoming doom.

I’m telling you all this for your own good. A new threat is upon you (and us, too). Those jobs that were rightfully ours, rightfully for the 400,000 Australians who have swamped the UK to steal, are now being stolen even from us!  Heaven forbid the aspirations of a further 400,000 Polish, Romanian and Bulgarians who can think of nothing less than leaving their own countries to steal your jobs, feed off your welfare system, because – God knows! – I can’t think of anything better than coming to someone else’s country to live the life of Riley on someone else’s welfare. There’s no time better spent than dividing one’s time working out how to make £71 pay for weekly rent, food and general upkeep.

I am prepared for my fate. A confessor of my crime, I only beg for your forgiveness. Perhaps for my willingness to reveal a newer threat you will allow me to stay? Please forgive me. I was only trying to make a better life for myself, nothing more or less.

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